Good morning.
Oh.
How did I spend my summer vacation?
I got over my breakup with Andy.
I got a job at Grandpa's country club.
I got Mono.
Too close. Ugh. Put your mask on.
No one misses two weeks at Caltech and catches up.
What am I gonna do?
Well, honey, I think you need to focus
on getting a little bit stronger,
a little bit healthier and just a little farther.
How do nerds even get Mono?
Did you all practice by kissing the same pillow?
Shouldn't you be at work by now?
I got fired.
My plan was to hide it from my parents
till I got a new job
but with smartypants Alex home,
I had to be more careful
or she was going to figure it out.
Her being super sick is coming at
a really bad time for me.
Hey, you got in late last night, huh?
Yeah, it was pay day and a game of craps
broke out in the kitchen.
See this watch? Enrique's grandfather's.
You're giving it back.
And remember, the second that job
interferes with your grades,
you're done. Did you finish your history report?
Just gotta dot the I's and cross the T's.
And put in all the other letters.
It's okay, everybody.
I'm alive.
I had a traumatic experience after an open house.
Have a good one.
Oh, no.
Monday lunch.
Monday dinner.
Tuesday breakfast.
Welcome home.
Open house went great.
Lots of interested buyers.
Fun fact. Some stranger, probably a long time ago,
wrote their last will and testament right here on your wall.
Trust me on this.
Did nobody notice I was gone for 18 hours?
Why aren't you all making posters?
I figured you were in your office.
I went to bed really early last night
and when I woke up this morning,
I thought you had gone for a run. Alex?
I can't believe this.
Well, honey, the important thing is that you are okay,
now I'm very sorry, but,
I've gotta get to work. We are bidding a job against my old nemesis.
Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
I'm back in there.
I want to live outside.
No senor, we are not having that argument anymore.
Mowgli lives outside.
Is Mowgli that dirty kid in his pre-school
who's parents drive the car that runs on French fry oil?
No, it's the dirty kid that runs around The Jungle Book.
Jay, tell him he can't.
First time I saw Tarzan, I wanted to live outside.
Dad said fine, I walked to the woods. Met a hobo.
Taught me how to open a can with a bird's beak.
That story's not helping.
I'm doing it.
No. Jay.
Of course not. Why learn self reliance
when the industrial machine depends on constant consumption?
No eggs for me. I'll be having porridge.
Are you really still doing this?
Over the summer, I went to a wedding
in Juarez and met Frida.
This amazing girl who enlightened me
to how communism could rid the world of injustice.
What a beautiful reception.
Yeah.
Oh right, that's a bad thing.
I live simply now. And it's good for me.
Might it also help my chance of kissing her one day?
Yes.
And if that requires living in a world
where the government chooses all our songs? So be it.
I'm gonna take a coffee to the guy
putting up the security cameras.
It's not coffee the laborers need, Jay. It's dignity.
And I'm going to fight for that till my fingers are raw
and my back is bent. Six months ago,
we took you to the dermatologist
for taking too many bubble baths.
Brought you this. Oh, thanks.
Almost done here. Take your time.
Important thing is, uh...
Oh, no.
Guess what?
A black family is moving in right across the street
the same day my security cameras are going up.
But what am I supposed to do?
I made the appointment weeks ago
right after the break-in down the street.
But they'll think I made the call the minute I saw them
because I'm a racist old man.
Why would the neighbors just assume that you're a racist?
Gloria. Gloria. Gloria.
You will never understand the stereotypes
old white men face.
Score.
Nice shot, Tom.
Do you wanna play with us?
You know I'm off contact sports right now.
I twisted my ankle playing running charades,
but, uh, you two should get ready for dance class. Okay? Go.
Go. Go. Go.
Hi. Hi.
Okay. Why do you look so satisfied?
Did you listen to an NPR story that proved
you were right about something?
No, but you know Tom, the friend that Lily's playing with?
Well, I know of him. We haven't been formally introduced.
Turns out that Tom used to identify as...
Tina.
Oh, I wish you wouldn't have told me. You know how proud I am
of my gender identifi-cadar.
Well, Tom's been having some problems at school
and Lily has been really respectful of him.
Oh, she is so sweet. She really is.
She gets all the credit on this one.
Uh-huh.
This so doesn't matter.
We raised her to have an open mind.
Totally. We deserve some kudos here too.
There's enough kudos for everyone.
You know a kudo would be an excellent name for a parenting award.
Oh, thank you Gwyneth.
And Lily, if you're still watching, go to bed.
Get out of here, you weirdo.
Part of being the boss is being a bummer.
It was hard at first but I learned to accept it.
Mostly.
Oh...
Margret, you knew I was in here.
Sorry, I just had some messages.
Luke's guidance counselor. Luke fell asleep
in class again. Mm-hmm.
Haley's car payment is late.
And the credit card company.
Phil made a large purchase on a Tibetan website called
Copingcandles.com.
Tell the creative team to get their giggles out.
I'll be ready for them in 10.
But when you've been the bummer all day at work,
you don't love having to be the bummer at home too.
Hi, honey. Is your brother around? I need to yell at him.
Of course he's around.
Why would he leave me in peace to do some work at the kitchen table
when he could just barge in and--
Luke. Game down.
This is your senior year, also known as your last year. Do not suck.
Honey. Dad.
You hit place order once
and then you wait for the confirmation.
I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. Be smart.
That angry screeching was the sweet sound of my new home bummer.
I'm just so tired and in pain and irritable.
I'm just getting so mad at everyone.
Sorry for yelling, Mom. Why were you calling again?
I forgot.
Damn it, Mom.
Write it down next time.
All right.
Here we are.
Okay, don't forget to give Funkmaster Linda her check for today's class.
Bye, Tom. Bye, Tom.
Hey, Lily. Can you hang back a second?
I shouldn't. Linda says being late is whickity-whack.
We just wanna know why you called Tom a weirdo back at the house.
I don't know.
We don't make fun of people who are different. Okay?
You know how hard it was for Daddy and me?
Growing up in Missouri I was so mistreated that one of my best friends
was an old scarecrow I found in the creek.
Some of your stories would be more impactful with fewer details.
Fine, I won't do it again. Can I go now?
But do you understand why what you did is wrong?
Yes. Uh...
Well, this bothers me.
They're getting along great and then one little spat and her instinct
is to go all baby bigot on him? Well...
I say this with love,
um, she did just get back from spending
a whole summer with your family
in Missouri.
Oh, so, we're blaming my family then?
I'm just saying maybe when she gets back from there
she needs to be reminded of her values. You know?
Un-hick her. Oh. The H bomb.
Possibly the most offensive slur ever thrown out in the south.
Well. Look, I love those people too but
you did just admit they can be a little close minded down there.
Well, they are a little bit set in their ways.
It was actually illegal to run for Mayor without a mustache
until 1980. See...
Then again from '82 to '85.
Input.
Please don't throw the remote again.
No, I was just trying to get signal.
Don't blame me about breaking the other ones.
One got stepped on and the other one
fell down the garbage disposal.
You're not even trying. Anyways...
Stop worrying about the remote control
and worry about your own dog.
She's peeing in the corner. Maybe if you ever leave her outside
she will guard us and we wouldn't need cameras.
First of all, Stella's not peeing in the corner
because I housebroke her myself.
Second of all, no dog of mine should ever have to work.
There he is. There's my old pal. How you doing?
I'm so glad you called.
I haven't been good about seeing people since Renella left.
Did you hear? She started dating my brother.
It's a nice day. Let's go outside.
Isn't your backyard nicer?
Nah, it's all pool and chairs.
So, how you been, buddy?
I wanna tell you everything is okay so you won't worry but
things have been real bad.
You know what might help?
You pop that hat off and get a little sun on your face.
Ooh. The sun? It's rough on my eyes.
I cry almost every day.
Pretty much the only time I'm happy is when I clean my gun.
Life, huh? Give me a hug. There you go.
Oh.
You a good friend, Jay.
Got your own problems but you're right there for me.
Damn it.
Why do you need them to know you have a black friend?
I'm putting security cameras in the same day they move in.
I'm mad about that but it feels good to be held.
Come here. Come here.
Flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety.
My imprisonment in the closet resulted in all the symptoms of PTSD.
My insurance company helped me to find a therapy dog.
And agreed to cover everything and then they found out
that I wasn't in the military.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Alex, honey. Can you help me reset the router?
Oh. No.
Bad luck. Bad luck.
Alex's laptop had every piece of homework she ever did in high school.
It was the holy grail.
I think. Thanks to Alex's hard work
I don't know what that is. And never will.
Not again.
Dad, I didn't know you were home.
Haley. Thank God.
Could you reset the router for me?
I would but I took a late lunch from work
which I have to get back to... work.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
I think I'm just hyperventilating.
Should pass in like 20 minutes or so.
Well, I'm gonna head back and...
Wouldn't wanna be consistently late and get fired. Right?
Alex. Honey.
Good girl.
Input. I know you can hear me 'cause I can see your green light.
It's like one of those videos where the pit bull is friends
with the baby chick. You know something bad is gonna happen.
Where are your keys? I need the jumper cables.
What happened?
I spent the last hour in my car
listening to The Commodores with my windows down.
And the neighbors didn't even come outside.
That must be your good friends,
The Harlem Globetrotters.
Hey. Hey.
Gloria invited us to sit by the pool
till we pick up Lily at hip-hop.
My Asian granddaughter takes a hip-hop class?
Why are we not talking about this in the front yard?
We brought cupcakes. Manny, cupcake?
I see. Fill my mouth with bougie opiate,
so I can't speak for the people?
That was a lot.
He's trying to get a Communist girl to kiss him.
We have our own kid problems, I mean...
We had an incident this afternoon
during Lily's play date with Tom.
Who used to identify as Tina.
I don't totally get the hand thing but I like it.
They had a fight and Lily said the worst possible thing.
That poor boy's been through enough.
I am sure that the parents have gone through a lot too.
Sure. You just don't get comfortable with something like that overnight.
Let me ask you guys something.
If someday Lily wanted to be Lou
and have the whole chop-chop, bing-bang thing.
How would you be with that?
We love Lily. Lou.
We love Lou and there's nothing she could do--
He. There's nothing he could do
that would change that. So.
You wouldn't even need the minute that Tom's parents did.
Well, no, maybe a minute. I mean there'll be a lot of things
that I would be giving up like I imagined doing like...
Like walking her down the aisle in her wedding dress.
And whispering in her husband's ear that he'll never replace me.
Well, that's interesting because the minute it took me
to accept the fact that my son was living a different kind of life
than the one I anticipated,
Mitchell called me an old, straight, white bigot.
And now, you're just like me.
Oh, my God, Mitchell. Are we where Lily gets it?
Are we not as open minded as we think?
But that's our thing. Lording our tolerance over others.
I guess what this proves is there's a little bit of prejudice in everyone.
You, me, the neighbor across the street
judging me for my cameras.
I'm gonna do what I should have done in the beginning.
Talk to them.
That's not a good idea. Watch me.
Joe, you're not going to live outside.
Fine.
Alex is never away from her laptop.
So I had to steal assignments one at a time.
I'm not proud of stealing.
But I'm not un-proud of how I'm stealing.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry but...
Now that you're awake, what happened in here, huh?
I'll tell you what happened here.
The same thing that's been happening all damn day.
Me, dealing with animals
who don't care that we are air conditioning
the outside and insist on rotting their brains
by watching vapid housewives spit wine on each other.
And you can't even be bothered to use a plate.
Oh, she's a bummer, huh?
Anything funny? No.
What are you even doing home?
Don't you cat-sit for your boss on Tuesday nights?
Uh...
Alex, maybe you'll feel better if we went for a walk
or a ride in the car. Go for a ride in the car.
You know what? There are too many distractions here.
I don't care how sick I am. I have to go back to college.
No!
Of course you do.
Was I the kind of person who would send her sick sister back to school
just to keep her from figuring out I got fired?
Did I use her laptop to get through community college?
Let's get you back there. It's Friday night.
Maybe there's a party you can listen to.
Excuse me. Hello.
I don't mean to bug you. You're just moving in.
I'm right across the street.
Listen. Let me stop you.
You had the cameras scheduled.
Worried about how it would look.
Brought your black friend out. Blasted Commodores.
It's not my first time
moving into a white neighborhood.
We're good. Yeah?
I did my residency in New Hampshire.
All right, listen. You guys need anything? Let me know.
You got it.
I'm Shawn, by the way.
Jay Pritchett.
Jay. It's okay, Gloria. All handled.
This is my wife Gloria. This is Shawn.
And I wanna get this right. Beautiful African name.
Shawn Mbotaway.
I said, 'By the way'.
Ah.
Hey, Lily. We need to talk.
I was actually just heading out.
No, sit down, please.
Look, it was wrong of you to be mean to Tom.
Okay, even though
Daddy and I aren't always as open minded as we should be.
We want you to be better than us.
Okay.
Listen, we accept people for who they are.
Daddy and I would accept you. No matter what.
Boy, girl, gay, straight.
Though if you're a lesbian, please be the fun kind.
I didn't yell at Tom because he used to be Tina.
What?
I yelled at him because he made fun of...
Made fun of what?
Oh, thank God. What's to make fun of?
He called you guys weirdos for putting that painting up,
so I called him a weirdo.
Honey. Why didn't you tell us?
'Cause I didn't want your feelings to get hurt.
Get hurt how because that rude Tom knows nothing about art?
Cam, she was protecting us.
But you don't have to, sweety, okay?
Don't feel like you can't be honest with us
just to protect our feelings.
Really? Really. Hey.
You can tell us anything.
Okay.
I hate the painting too.
It was hard for us to hear but...
In the spirit of tolerance, we accepted the fact
that a nine-year-old might not want to
fall asleep under the watchful eyes of her half naked fathers.
Call the Sistine Chapel, I guess, art is out.
So do you just hate the whole idea of murals or just...
Roll.
It's going to be so exciting to get back to all that science stuff again.
You know, beakers, calculators, ray guns.
Alex, you sure you don't wanna spend a few more days here to recover?
You could sleep on the end of our bed if you want to.
Yeah. Stay, Alex.
Sleeping does sound good.
Doesn't it? But how about you take a nice hot shower?
Just hope that big pile of wet towels
isn't on the floor like it was this morning.
Aw, you guys are so sweet.
No, but what about all the science stuff?
All the fun, you know, snapping each other in the butts
with your gogglestraps. You know what.
Staying here a few more days may help me kick this sickness
a little faster. There you go.
Wait a second. I thought I already packed my laptop,
why is it on the hallway table?
Uh, why is anything anywhere?
Why aren't our feet at the end of our arms?
Who opened my 12th grade Grapes of Wrath essay?
Uh...
Oh, my God. You just want me to stay here so you can steal
all my old homework.
I can't wait to hear what you have to say about this lapse in judgment.
It's better than what Mom's doing.
She's just using you to yell at us.
I would nip that back talk in the bud.
I can't believe it. He's right.
Honey. You're getting upset again.
Come on. Let's go get a treat.
Stop with the petting and the walks.
You're using me as a therapy dog. That's ridiculous...
Am I? Well, what about what Luke's doing?
We just dealt with him. And Haley.
You are the only one who really cares about me.
That's it. I'm going back to school.
I will drive you, sweety.
Alex. No. Stop.
Stay. How do you ask a human not to go again?
Alex, wait.
We're still leaving. She's just catching her breath. Come on.
I feel so bad. I had no idea what I was doing.
I feel worse. I really, really knew what I was doing.
Our poor sick daughter. We should be taking care of her.
So, is knowing all this enough or do we have to do something?
Breaks my heart. I should quit my job
and nurse her back to health.
You got fired, didn't you?
Alex had to take the semester off.
I was disappointed 'cause she was disappointed.
But I was also kinda happy to have her home a little longer.
Aw. Mask.
Cam? Oh, I just wanted to tell her
how proud I was of how she handled herself today
but she's already asleep.
Well, you can tell her in the morning.
I found an article online about a family of Montenegrin art...
Let it go, babe. Come on. Oh, Cam.
Look what she did.
Jay, what are you doing? Come to bed.
I got these new state of the art cameras,
I thought I'd review the day.
See how many times our neighbor glared at us.
Wait a second.
Is that Manny licking cupcake wrappers from the trash?
I knew he'd fold.
The vigor. It's almost pornographic.
Are these cameras everywhere?
Yeah, that's the garbage area, then,
we got backyard, front door, go inside...
Wait. That's Joe peeing in the corner. Not Stella.
That's it. He lives outside now.
Come. We'll watch him from the cameras.
Hold on.
You have a problem.
I'm gonna get you one of those rubber remotes
they put in nursery schools and insane asylums.
Thank you.